by Linda Lipshutz MS, LCSW

I recently received a call from a woman I’ll call Susan. I’ve changed the details, but her story will come through just the same.

“The holidays were absolutely awful! My husband Mike’s two kids came to spend a week with us. His 18-year-old son Dylan can be friendly enough, but pair Dylan up with his sister Jenna and the two of them are impossible. Jenna is 16, but she behaves worse than a two year old.

Christmas Day, the three of them were laughing and joking, and I felt like none of them were paying any attention to me. Jenna has a habit of pushing next to Mike on the couch so there’s no room for me. She has this smug look on her face when I look for a seat. She’ll call her mother and speak loudly in front of me, giggling and saying “I love you, Mom.” When I told Mike how left out I felt, he blew up and said I was always criticizing his children and looking for trouble.

I’ve been married to Mike for about a year and things are usually great, except for Jenna. You would think I’d broken up her parents’ marriage from the way Jenna treats me. Jenna has not forgiven Mike for divorcing Carol and she loves to make him pay, big time! Mike feels guilty and lets Jenna get away with murder.

When we were dating, he loved to tell me how close he and his children were and how much he enjoyed their weekends together. I never had children of my own, and maybe I was naïve, but I had a vision of getting along great with Mike’s children. At the beginning, I would try to do all kinds of special things for his kids. I’d ask a million questions to show interest in their lives and gave them great gifts. Then I overheard Jenna tell her friends that I was trying to buy her.

Whenever Jenna comes to visit, I feel a huge knot in my stomach. No matter how hard I try to get along with her, I can tell she can’t stand me. Mike always takes her side and doesn’t consider my feelings at all. The worst thing is: Mike and I start fighting over little things now. He blames ME for causing all the problems.”

Couples with children often face their upcoming marriages with a mixture of optimism and trepidation, knowing that blending families, no matter what the ages, can be fraught with tension and heartache.

Adults often count on young people to adjust to the profound adult decisions they have had no say in: first their parents’ decision to end the marriage, and next to accept their parents’ new partner, if they decide to remarry.   Even if the children have strong feelings of opposition their opinions are often not considered. Adults often expect them to embrace the changes, and then get annoyed when they don’t jump onboard with enthusiasm.

The stepfamily is a new entity, and it must incorporate memories and experiences of the prior family constellations. We can’t overlook the profound adjustment necessary for everyone to overcome the emotional fallout from the breakup of the previous family unit. Children, still reeling from the loss of comfort, familiarity and sense of security they may have felt in the original family, will often magnify the loss when they enter this new unit. We need to further consider that the child may have finally adjusted to the interim phase of separate, single parent households, and is not eager to include the parent’s new love interest into the mix.

After a divorce, grieving parents often reach out to their children in a special and powerful way. There may be special parent-child rituals and activities, and the child might bask in getting the parents’ undivided attention.  Guilty parents often inadvertently give their children too much say in planning activities and routines, so that the child develops an elevated sense of importance and control. When this happens, there can be tremendous resistance to a new marriage, because the young person does not want to relinquish this elevated position in the single-parent family nor give the new stepparent any say in decision-making.

Sometimes the new couple is so eager to have things work out that there can be an unrealistic wish that the children will instantaneously trust and warm up to the situation, bonding with their new stepparent (and stepsiblings if there are any.) They don’t always consider that relationships are not developed overnight, and it can take a considerable amount of time to integrate contrasting opinions and value systems. Ironically, the children are often more realistic about the challenges than their parents: they’re not happy about the changes and make it clear that they are not interested in making things work!!

Sometimes the adults are so focused on meeting the children’s needs they don’t pay sufficient care to deepening their own bond and nurturing their separate relationship. The self-esteem of the parents and their sense of security with each other will markedly affect their ability to face the challenges in front of them. It is not uncommon for a parent to feel guilty that developing a bond with the new spouse might be a betrayal to their child.

It is clear that Susan and Mike had the best of intentions when they planned their marriage. They were perhaps unrealistic in expecting that things would fall into place more readily and that there would be immediate caring and appreciation.

It is important to clarify the evolution of the relationships. Mike’s alliance with his children pre-dated his relationship with Susan. The three of them may have shared inside jokes, enjoyed special routines and traditions and had a unique way of doing things that could have been tough for Susan to understand and feel comfortable with. It hurt her to believe that she was not welcome in this private world.

Susan was understandably hurt and disappointed that her stepchildren rebuffed her efforts to bond in a close and loving way. Simultaneously, Jenna was probably   struggling to sort out a host of conflicting emotions—jealousy that her father had feelings for this stranger, worry that the closeness with her dad would be compromised, worry that accepting Susan would be disloyal to her mother, resentment that she had to accommodate to Susan’s preferences and that she might be losing her power and stature in the household, and on and on. And, of course, accepting Susan would mean that Jenna would have to relinquish any remaining   fantasies that perhaps her parents might reconcile.

Jenna might have been testing Mike’s loyalty, because she was worried that Mike would focus all of his love and attention on Susan (and that he would not be emotionally available to her.)  She might have sensed Susan’s insecurity and might have used Susan’s discomfort to her advantage. Consciously, or unconsciously, she might have been trying to put a wedge in her father’s relationship with his wife, hoping this would secure her own position.

Susan and Mike might have been so focused on integrating the family that they were   not focused sufficiently on preserving their special bond, at all costs. Each needed to know that the other was committed to understanding each other’s position and would provide support when the going got tough.

Further, Mike must take important steps to reassure Susan that he will send a clear message to his children that he loves and respects Susan and that he counts on them to be positive and respectful to her. He should step aside, encouraging his wife and children to form a relationship of their own. If Susan trusts that she truly has Mike’s unwavering love and support, it will give her the strength to withstand the hurts, and the motivation to persevere. It also sends a message to the children that they do not have the power to sabotage Mike and Susan’s relationship.

If Mike feels that she is trying to undermine his efforts to be close to Jenna, he will become hurt and angry, and the distance between the two will grow. If Susan reassures Mike that she will make every effort to get along with his children because she knows how important this is to him, he is likely to be more understanding of her hurts and disappointments when things don’t go smoothly. It would probably be helpful for her to spell out specific ways he can support her in this direction. (ie. explaining private jokes to include her, or speaking up for Susan when she’s feeling awkward). It would be very helpful if she could find an activity that she and Jenna can share together, perhaps cooking special foods or going for a run.

It will be a challenge for Susan to pay attention to her mood and attitudes. If she becomes defensive and resentful too much of the time, she may be introducing an element of tension and irritability that will exacerbate an already tense environment. If she can avoid having an edge and reacting negatively when things don’t go her way, she can head off misunderstandings and unpleasantness. Removing herself from any power struggles will probably make a difference. Having the maturity and inner strength to overlook sarcasm and slights isn’t easy, but can head off conflict. That’s not to say she should allow herself to be verbally abused. If things are excessive and spiraling negatively, with Mike’s support, she should face things head on, firmly, but calmly.

What many of us don’t realize is that we usually have room in our hearts to love different people, in different ways, simultaneously. It is important to remember that in these situations, the scars are often deep, and that it can take months and years for hurts to soften. If the adults are patient and respond with sensitivity and emotional support, they have taken a critically important step to help the young people process their losses and to be receptive to the changes that are expected of them.

(This article was previously published in the Palm Beach Gardens Issue of Florida Weekly.)

Linda Lipshutz, M.S., LCSW is a psychotherapist serving individuals, couples and families. A Palm Beach Gardens resident, she holds degrees from Cornell and Columbia and trained at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy in Manhattan. She can be reached at her Gardens office at 561 630 2827, or online at www.palmbeachfamilytherapy.com.